The Victim’s Revenge, or How to Transform Failure

I have to tell you, this weekend, I went hiking. I left for two days. 26km, 2200m of positive elevation gain, breathtaking environment and views.

Why am I telling you about my hike? What connection with the victim and the narcissistic pervert, you might ask? I’m getting there.

The chosen location is not random. The Vallon de Réchy. An alpine paradise, nature reserve, where human impact has been limited to shepherds’ huts and sheep. It’s also the place where I went hiking with my ex, a person with narcissistic perverse behavior if there ever was one. It was during a week of mountain vacation. We had rented a chalet. On the second day, a friend of my ex joined us, and we left for a hike towards the Vallon de Réchy.

At that time, I weighed between 115 and 120kg. I knew that my limit for hiking was 3 hours. So 1h30 going, 1h30 returning. This was information I had shared with my ex, of course. I didn’t want to spoil his pleasure by letting him imagine we could do more.

So the three of us set off for Pichioc, the Ar du Tsan marsh. It indeed took us 1h30 to reach it. Up to that point, everything was going well. Once there, my ex then suggested continuing to Lake Le Louché. I didn’t know the region at all and not being a great hiking enthusiast yet, I had no idea of the topography. I then reminded him of my limit, and he replied: « No but it’s not far, it’s just up there… ». Fine. Since it’s not far, I can make this effort. All three of us set off again towards Lake Le Louché. The path is steep, my feet start reminding me of my limit. Still no lake in sight.

• « Is it still far? Because now, I’m starting to have pain in my feet »
• « No no, it’s just up there »
• « I already have sore feet, we’ll have to do the reverse path afterwards »
• « Oh come on, I have sore feet too »

I’m of course transcribing this exchange with my words, and based on my memories. These are events that date from 2006, maybe 2007…

I then bear with it. My feet are hurting. The weather is getting cloudy, drizzle starts to fall. I have no pleasure being there. Regularly, I complain about my feet, and I get harshly put back in place.

After 3 hours total, we finally arrive at Lake Le Louché, which we won’t even see, the weather is so misty. I sit down. I’m suffering terribly. I barely dare say it, my feet hurt very much. My ex sulks. We set off again, and, having no choice, I do the 3-hour return journey, in the rain, as best I can, more badly than well.

As soon as my ex’s friend left, he made a scene. I had complained all day, in summary, and between the lines, he must have looked like a fool in his friend’s eyes. He sulked for the rest of the vacation week, taking every pretext to provoke an argument. It was my first hike in the Vallon de Réchy.

What can we learn from this experience today?

Of course, it remained a painful experience for me. As often in the course of my life and faced with « my narcissistic perverts », I found myself in internal conflict. He was right, I complained a lot. And at the same time, I had warned him of my limit, and I suffered a lot. Of course, I continued the relationship, as every time. I bore with it. I understood his point of view. I partially agreed with him. And on the other hand, I made so much effort for him to love me that surely one day, he would have to recognize it. I certainly wasn’t going to end this relationship before that happened.

Remember, in my previous article, I explain how a psycho-educator talked to me about my ego. Deep down, I did everything to make our relationship work. And probably I was only waiting for his recognition of the efforts I made for that.

What strikes me today, after of course all the work I’ve done on the subject, is that at no time did he support me, encourage me, hear me. He had only one objective: to impress his friend. And I spoiled his pleasure with my little miseries. At the time I was unable to see how abnormal this behavior was.

What also strikes me is that I myself never had the idea to listen to myself, to respect myself and to suggest he continue alone with his friend. And this is a common trait I find in all the victims I talk with: This inability to put oneself before the other.

One day, I asked a friend: « Who is the most important person in your life? ». I got all sorts of answers:

• « My grandmother »
• « My father »
• « My boyfriend »…

And when I told her « No. The most important person in your life is you! », I got as a response only an embarrassed laugh, and a « but no, nonsense!!! » …

Someone asked a few days ago on the La Ligne de Coeur RTS Facebook group: « How does one become a victim? ». This is part of the answer. The victim is 100% turned towards others. She doesn’t consider her needs, at least, not before those of others. It’s therefore very easy for a manipulator to develop his grip.

The purpose of my article is mainly to talk about reconstruction. You will have understood, this experience was not the most pleasant. In the meantime, I took up hiking. First with my friend Madelon then alone. I lost a lot of weight since I put myself back at the center of my own life, since I started considering that I was the most important person in my life, and I take pleasure in doing demanding hikes.

For several years now I’ve wanted to return to the Vallon de Réchy and see that famous lake. I returned there once, and slept in a tent with another guy I’d just met. That must have been in 2012. It turned out he was also a toxic person. Fortunately, I didn’t fall into the trap then.

Last week, with the weekend weather looking mild in the Alps, I finally decided to return there, alone, for me. First because it’s a true paradise on Earth. Then because it was a form of revenge. Revenge on my ex. Revenge on my past.

It was a magical, wonderful weekend. I often think about my ex and this experience during my hikes. And, of course, during this weekend, it was even more present. I even surprised myself on a ridge path shouting « Screw you!!! » addressing him, in the immensity of the void at the edge of my path.

I transformed the failure. Same place, same person, the most important person in my life, different context. From a suffering, humiliated, despised victim, I became a centered, proud, athletic man, and I did a hike 4 times more important, because I chose to do it, and I did it for me. This is what I call transforming failure.

People sometimes tell me I have ease in writing. Yet, I’m not satisfied with my article. I find it confusing, simplistic, it lacks relief, it doesn’t totally relate what I wanted. I think however that the essence of the message is there.

If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’ve recognized that you were a victim of a person with narcissistic perverse behavior. And probably you also have experiences that were supposed to be pleasant at first, and turned into nightmares for you. If that’s the case, don’t stay with your nightmares. You’re no longer a victim, and your tormentor is no longer there to ruin your life. Relive the experience. Transform this failure. Did you go see a show that was dear to your heart and it turned into a settling of scores? Go see this show again for you, with your eyes, with your heart, and your personal satisfaction. A vacation place? Go back there. Reconcile yourself with the place, and with yourself. A movie you loved and he spoiled the evening for you, leaving you a bitter taste just at the mention of the film’s title? Watch it again, and enjoy yourself? Take back the experience for yourself.

It’s a sweet revenge to realize that we have the power to repair what has been destroyed, to take back what has been taken.