The Victim, Alone in the World

I have to tell you… when you wake up and realize you’re in a relationship – romantic, friendly, professional – with a person who has narcissistic perverse behavior, you’re alone in the world.

What explains this situation?

After two years of grief and working through my last breakup, I finally understood and admitted that my ex had narcissistic perverse behavior. It was at that moment I discovered that my boss was one too.

At that time, I went to eat informally with the director of the company that employed me. I took advantage of this one-on-one to talk about it. It was quite difficult for me: as a simple employee, starting to tell the director that one of his executives is a narcissistic pervert… yet, I took my courage in both hands and broached the subject.

To my great surprise, he showed himself to be listening, then explained to me that he knew the issue of narcissistic perverts, that he had experienced this in the past in a professional context and that he participated in numerous human resources conferences where the subject had already been addressed. At the moment, I was relieved. I thought I was finally being heard. I didn’t expect miracles, just the recognition of an unacceptable situation.

That’s when he said to me:

However, I don’t think your boss is a narcissistic pervert. Narcissistic, probably, but not a narcissistic pervert. Narcissistic perverts are destroyers. He doesn’t destroy his team. He only has praise for you.

And there, I stopped trying to discuss it with him. I listened to him, patiently. I nodded, showing that I agreed with what he was saying, then we changed the subject. Like many, he confused « openly destructive » and « narcissistic pervert. »

But where is the difference? Why did I have this reaction?

You must understand that the narcissistic pervert, being a good narcissist and seducer, is all about performance. Image, for him, is extremely important. Any act, situation, event that could harm his image is experienced very violently. So, he will do everything so that it is never damaged. Knowing that he himself selected the members of his team, criticizing it or denigrating one of its members could indicate that he made a bad choice. You will understand then that he can do nothing but have praise for his own creation, his selection.

Unfortunately, too many people still think that a narcissistic pervert is a person whose destructive nature can be seen, in one way or another. And even people who claim to know the subject are greatly mistaken, further accentuating this phenomenon of loneliness of the victim who awakens from their nightmare to discover another. That of doubt and loneliness.

Just this week, a friend was telling me essentially: « I think you’re wrong about your ex. He wasn’t that much of a narcissistic pervert. » Those aren’t her exact words (sorry if you’re reading this), but that’s what I heard. At the moment it upset me. My ego being what it is, I am absolutely convinced of what I’m saying. Yet, as soon as doubt creeps into my thoughts it makes its way, and my nature wants me to question my conviction.

I stopped for 3 months in this job in order to work on my victim position. I talk about it in my previous article. I then resumed work for 5 months, before getting fired. During all this time, I had to fight against all odds so as not to question what I now knew: « My boss is a narcissistic pervert, and I am his victim. » It was very difficult for me. And it’s not about clinging to your victim position, but simply admitting that you are a victim, without which it’s impossible to take responsibility and move forward.

Another characteristic of the person with narcissistic perverse behavior is also their ability to act « as if nothing happened. » Thus, they can tell their victim while looking them in the eyes how disappointed, even saddened they are by a behavior, and a few minutes later, give them a big smile and talk to them as if nothing ever happened. This is a behavior that reinforces this doubt, this shame.

You must remember that the narcissistic pervert is a seducer. He’s an expert in transformation. He has an infinite stock of masks. Even more than that: he’s a mask maker, a true chameleon. Thus, he will always know how to wear the ideal mask regardless of the person or group of people he has in front of him.

When I was with my ex and I started introducing him to my friends and family, I was struck by the way people perceived him and talked about him:

He’s perfect. I’m so happy for you that you met someone so good

or

He’s great. It’s great that you met him, he’s going to bring you a lot

It was always said in the sense that he was going to bring me something. At no point did I hear the opposite. Or even that we had found each other well, for example. That’s the kind of sentence I heard several times. So, while they flattered me to a certain extent, they didn’t fit. I knew well that he wasn’t perfect. We were a couple, I made compromises, and I loved him as he was. But perfect? That was exaggerated. There was something off. In fact, it’s because he had known how to wear the mask adapted to my family or my friends, this mask of perfection so important for his image to shine. And it had worked.

In the professional context, it’s the same. The good narcissistic pervert seduces his superiors, his peers, the clients. He amazes them. He’s all about quality and performance. His results are always excellent. And if they’re not, he will manage to demonstrate brilliantly that it’s not his fault.

Therefore, in both cases, in the couple as in the professional world, when the victim of a narcissistic perverse person seeks support, they find themselves talking to people who only have praise for the person concerned. When I sought support, when I wanted to react, I found myself facing people who made me doubt constantly. « What you’re describing to me there, it’s just that he’s doing his job as a boss » or, in the private context « you just misunderstood each other… »

Imagine the following scenario:

A person, with a knot in their stomach, submits a report to their boss. The latter, acting casual, says to them « I hope it will be good, this time. » There, their stomach twists… « I hope so too » they say to themselves internally. Because it’s never good. There’s always something wrong: the missing comma, a wrong number, a sentence that should have been phrased differently. But he never pointed out these imperfections in public. Always one-on-one, without witnesses.

The day before, this person came across articles on the internet about narcissistic perverts. They vaguely recognized their situation. But doubt persists: it seems so enormous.

They leave their boss’s office then meet a colleague in the hallway:

• My boss exhausts me. I can’t take it anymore. I read something about narcissistic perverts, I think he’s one.
• No way. He’s just doing his job as a boss
• No no I’m sure of it. I read an article on the internet last night, everything’s there! He keeps reproaching me about the quality of my work, telling me I could do better. Whatever I do is wrong. He never apologizes.
• It’s just that he wants the job to be done well. And imagine if the boss starts apologizing… He’s still your boss!

And then the boss in question passes by, all smiles, almost joyful. He greets both people, he thanks his victim in passing for the excellent report provided. Then he continues on his way.

• You see, he finds your report excellent. You’re imagining things. Stop overthinking

And there, the victim doubts, tortures themselves trying to understand what just happened, then painfully adheres to what their colleague says, who is rather nice, pleasant, and in whom they trust…

The victim of the narcissistic pervert being naturally inclined to always doubt, to always question themselves – which moreover strongly contributes to their situation – finds themselves doubting once more. Some, even many, will stop searching and return to their hell, silent, convinced that « if the colleagues/friends say it, it must be true… I’m imagining things. » It’s a triple punishment: loneliness, doubt, and shame.

For me, with this boss, everything tipped when I showed him that I wasn’t afraid of him. I had made my way, and I was ready to lose my job rather than continue living this hell. One day, he called me on the phone. He spoke to me very badly, and told me that « everyone complains about your work, » that « you’re on the wrong track. » I was stunned, my legs were cut. But I remained calm. I let him have his crisis, because it was a real crisis « I’m fed up, I’m surrounded by incompetents. I spend my time cleaning up other people’s mess »…

I simply said to him: « Who, everyone? » He didn’t have the answer. And I knew it was false. Then when he spoke of the « wrong track, » I simply said to him: « do what you have to do, if I’m on the wrong track. »

The next day, I went to see human resources, indicating that I would no longer report to this person, and I explained the episode from the day before. I proposed a job change that I knew would be beneficial for the company. Three weeks later, I received, as the only response, my dismissal letter.

I left this position with my head held high. Because I knew I had done what was necessary, what was right for me. And although I found myself in a precarious situation later, I never regretted my reaction. However, I have often found myself alone when I try to explain to those around me what a narcissistic pervert is. Very, too often still, people try to tell me that « no… that’s not what a narcissistic pervert is. A narcissistic pervert destroys, he drains his victim’s energy, he keeps her under his control. »

So yes, all that is true. But it’s not visible. He doesn’t have a tail, horns and a trident, that you recognize by his passage. And his victims are not marked with his seal in red-hot iron. He doesn’t scream, doesn’t criticize his victim openly in front of witnesses. The destruction happens from within, like wasp larvae that consume little by little the living caterpillar from the inside. His weapons, and this is where the perversion lies, are the weaknesses, emotions, sensitivities, doubts of his victim. It’s through little phrases (« I hope it will be good, this time »), small harmless criticisms, non-verbal behaviors that may seem mundane, that little by little, he instills his venom, and destroys his victim, a victim who slowly fades away, empties out, and ends up in depression, burnout, or even suicide, without anyone around having seen it coming.

If you feel concerned, don’t hesitate to leave a comment on the facebook page or below on the blog. Know however that these places are publicly visible. You can also contact me privately through the contact page. If you’re looking for help, I will direct you to readings, and groups that can support you and help you move forward so you’re no longer alone on your path.

If you’re among the people who think they know what a narcissistic pervert is, and realize while reading this article that you were on the wrong track, leave a comment. I would be happy to exchange with you.

My articles are a message for people who are waking up. Don’t hesitate to share them if you think someone in your circle is concerned.