How I Stopped Being a Victim

I have to tell you… tonight, I testified on the Ligne de Coeur, a radio show on RTS. After a pleasant movie outing, I got back in my car and turned on the radio. I then heard testimonies on this subject that particularly touches me: Narcissistic Perverts. Given the number of calls and messages, I see how much this subject is burning and current. So, I’ve decided tonight to share my testimony here.

[I’m going back to the beginning of this article. I’ve been writing it for a good hour now, and I realize how extensive what I have to say on this subject is. So I’ll be writing several articles in the coming days. This will be the first in the series.]

I already wrote some time ago an article on the subject on the blog that bears my name. You can read it if you feel like it. It might be redundant with the content of this article, which I don’t know anything about yet, since I’m creating it.

In July 2013, after two years of mourning my last relationship following a very painful breakup, I came to the conclusion that my ex was a person with narcissistic perverse behavior. It was on this occasion that I discovered that my boss at the time was also one. It was a shock. What am I saying, a real tsunami. This feeling that it would never change. That year after year, encounter after encounter, I would continue to run into this type of person. Fortunately, I had had two years to prepare myself. And it’s probably no coincidence that it was at this moment that light was shed on my condition as a victim of people with narcissistic perverse behavior.

However, we must go back a few years earlier to discover the beginning of my journey. One day in 2011, shortly after my breakup, while I was walking through the aisles of a bookstore, I came face to face with a book that literally jumped into my arms. Its title was « I Think Too Much – How to Channel This Invasive Mind » ¹⁾. You should know that I was already questioning my intelligence. Self-taught, I had a successful career in IT. At 22, I was managing a team. At 24, I was the quality guarantor for support at a multinational, world number one in its field. I had conversations with foreign managers twice my age who managed huge teams, and my task was to dictate their actions for the benefit of our Swiss clients. I was then unable to understand, to realize my accomplishments. All of this seemed mundane to me, trivial, within everyone’s reach. Today, I know that at that moment, I was already under the influence of a narcissistic pervert at work.

Over time, I often had the impression of being out of step with others, of understanding better, faster, and I happened to ask my psychiatrist at the time, Valérie Le Goff-Cubilier, at a time when she still spoke little about her subject of predilection today – and who would publish in 2013 a book on the subject that concerns us ²⁾ – if I was « more intelligent » than average or if I had a superiority complex. Having other things to work on, this subject was not explored at the time.

But let’s get back to this book: when I saw its title, I was in a period of deep questioning. The breakup had just been confirmed. I was becoming aware that I had spent my life taking care of others, and disrespecting myself. I had disrespected myself as I would never have dared to disrespect anyone else. I then decided to work firmly to put myself back at the center of my own life.

Reading it, I recognized myself page after page. It brought me answers about my functioning, about the gap I had felt since I was a child. This is truly where my personal work began. It was reading this book that everything that would happen within me in the following years was initiated. And it was in this journey that in 2013, I became aware of my position as a victim.

If I’m telling you all this, it’s because it’s important in relation to what happened next. So let’s go back to August 2013. I had barely mourned my relationship. I realized on this same occasion that I was a victim of a narcissistic pervert at work, and of course, I then took the measure of the repetition of a pattern in my life. I decided from then on: « Never again ». The day after this realization, I contacted Dr. le Goff-Cubilier and warned her of my desire to work on the subject. However, it’s important to understand what subject we’re talking about: the subject is not « narcissistic perverts ». The subject is « the victim of narcissistic perverts ». Me. Because I understood that it was me, and only me who could question myself.

Then began intensive work for three months. Dr. Le Goff referred me for the occasion to a colleague psycho-pedagogue, and he, as I like to say, gave me slaps with pedagogy for three months. This is where all the « preparation » work from 2011 to 2013 was essential. Indeed, since I was in a period of reconstruction, since I had become aware that I had a large share of responsibility in being a victim, I was ready to hear truths that I probably could never have supported a few years earlier. I would like to share with you two of these truths. Two truths that were the most difficult for me to hear, welcome and accept:

During an interview, while we had been discussing for a while, the psycho-pedagogue looked at me and said:

« Mr. Sissaoui, your ego is significantly more excessive than that of your narcissistic pervert boss ».

I was speechless… stunned… knocked out. I didn’t understand where he was going with this. Yet, I was facing a professional whose goal was to make me aware of my responsibility. Taking time to recover, I looked at him and urged:

« On this one, you’re going to have to elaborate! ».

That’s when he threw a truth at me that I am still unable to invalidate today:

« You are so sure that you are right, you are so convinced that you are doing right that you hold on at all costs. You hold on with all your strength convinced that one day it will have to be recognized. Meanwhile, they can do anything to you. Push you around, hit you, destroy you. It doesn’t matter: you’re right, and you won’t let go, whatever you suffer ».

That day, I left my interview completely destabilized. He was right. Taking the measure of this truth was very painful. Another day, while I was firmly clinging to the fact that my boss was a narcissistic pervert and therefore I was his victim, he told me:

« But we don’t care if he’s a narcissistic pervert. »

Another slap. How could he say that. It had been so difficult for me to realize, to accept that this was the case, to fight against the remarks of third parties who told me I was wrong, that I was imagining things… How could this professional tell me such a thing? Me, angry:

« But no, we don’t not care! I’m clinging to that. It’s the reason for my struggle. »

Then follows an exchange:

« Mr. Sissaoui, are you comfortable in your position? »
« No »
« Why do you stay? »
« … »
« Why do you stay if you’re not comfortable? Because you’re convinced he’s wrong and you’re right! »
« … »
« But we don’t care who’s wrong or who’s right. If you’re not comfortable, get out!!! »

Once again, it was obvious. These two truths were painful to hear. Yet they were salvific. It was by taking the measure of this functioning that I was able, little by little, to take a step back, learn to put my loyalty in the right place, and accept to detach myself from what was right or wrong to focus on what was right for me, and for me only.

For tonight, I’m going to stop here. There’s still so much to say. I’m aware that for some of you, reading these « truths » is going to be a shock. Probably among you, there are some who will want to cry scandal, as I wanted to then. Yet, the greatest truth I learned about myself is that I was solely responsible for remaining the victim of a narcissistic pervert.

Let’s be clear: I am not responsible for falling under the charm of narcissistic perverts. These people are very, very strong in seduction. They have impeccable mastery of it and almost no one can escape their charm. I want as proof the difficulty or even impossibility of being recognized as a victim by the people who surround the narcissistic pervert. My responsibility is having accepted the questioning, the unpleasant remarks. My responsibility is having sought recognition from the outside while I was unable to give it to myself. My responsibility is having accepted the unacceptable. Thus, the first year of our relationship, my ex announced to me « I’m ashamed to introduce you to my friends ». Yet I stayed with him for more than 5 years. I’ll come back to this little phrase in another article.

Of course, we’re always smarter afterward. It’s precisely because I went through all this that I can talk to you about it today. So I was like you, before you, with my nose to the grindstone. For years, I suffered and accepted to suffer.

It stopped the day I took the measure of my responsibility. The day I worked to put myself at the center of my own life. My responsibility is having given power to my tormentors, and having been myself my own worst tormentor.

If I had to give a message tonight to people who recognize themselves, who think they are currently victims of people with narcissistic perverse behavior in their couple, at work, it’s to start putting themselves back at the center of their own life. Here are some leads:

• Listen to the compliments from third parties about you. If someone says you are intelligent, beautiful, kind, caring, efficient, creative, don’t think it’s just to please you. In my life, I often received compliments. I was unable to hear them, and constantly denigrated myself.
• Reevaluate your value scale: You are probably perfectionist. You are probably very demanding with yourself. You probably think you deliver shoddy work while you’re covered with praise for its quality: Accept that it’s YOU who are wrong, that it’s you who devalue yourself.

I haven’t read Valérie Le Goff-Cubilier’s book, however, I recommend it to anyone who would be concerned in their couple.

As for Christel Petitcollin’s book, if you recognize yourself in the title, read it. And don’t start denigrating yourself before starting. Simply read it. If you recognize yourself, it will be the beginning of a wonderful journey. The beginning of your new life.

For the most daring, I invite you to read the excellent book by Jean-Charles Bouchoux about narcissistic perverts³⁾. He popularizes very well the work of Paul-Claude Racamier⁴⁾, the first psychiatrist to have published on the subject.

If you have questions, comments, you can ask them below or on the blog’s Facebook page, or below. You can also contact me by private message using the contact form.

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References:

^{1) Christel Petitcollin – I Think Too Much – How to Channel This Invasive Mind ↩
2) Valérie Le Goff-Cubilier – How to Survive Marriage with a Narcissistic Pervert ↩
3) Jean-Charles Bouchoux – Narcissistic Perverts ↩
4) Paul-Claude Racamier on Wikipedia ↩}